Infomercials

I have always secretly really loved infomercials and now my three year old is rekindling a smoldered obsession.

Together we watch as Mr. T and a very perky women try to convince us that a Turbowave will change our lives. Infomercials are sort of like going to Church. Each product offers salvation from the daily grind. If only we had a Turbo wave we would feed our families healthier foods faster. I almost drool when they show the fast cooking pot-roast with potatoes and asparagus. Mr. T rubs his tummy and says, "MMM that looks good." Even though I am a notorious cheap skate I feel the urge to call for a limited time only. They will even throw in a blender that will make my life even better.

The next best thing to watching a cooking gadget infomercial is watching a vacuum cleaner infomercial. If only I bought the hydro vac my worries would be over. I could vacuum up John's wood shavings from his hand planes, the endless spill of cheerios, and the pins from my pincushion. Cat hair be damned. Marital bliss would be around the corner, my husband and I would never argue over my deficient housekeeping abilities. I picture evenings of romantic music conjoined with me vacuming and John MonsterSteaming the children's toys.

Infomercials offer this escape into this logical, orderly world. Meals are always prepared on time and to every one's satisfaction. The house always looks clean. My soul is at rest.

The item that I most yearned for as an adolescent was this pocket sandwich maker gizmo. You put a piece of bread on either side and some sort of filling in the middle. You pressed down the top and minutes later you had something delicious. Perhaps, because there was a period in my youth where out of necessity I was in charge of cooking, I took on an early yen to make domestic life better. The sandwich maker seems a little old school now. In fact, an apple pie made out of two pieces of white bread and saturated fructose corn syrup pie filling sounds like the last thing I would eat now. Still, the Nuwave fascinates me.

Then to make the whole thing even more comical. My three year old repeats in exact tone phrases from the infomercials, "For a limited time only you can eliminate germs and bacteria." She rushes to the T.V. set when an infomercial we haven't seen comes on. Together we get excited about the possibilities presented to us.

The funny thing is that these infomercials fill in the gaps when PBS is doing their pledge drive. After several minutes of being told how PBS has changed our lives and offered us a different kind of salvation I turn to an infomercial. I find myself in a philosophical struggle; If I weren't such a cheap skate, and actually decided to give money to something I saw on television would it be to achieve peace of mind knowing that I donated to a good cause and contributed to my child's education or would it be to achieve peace of mind knowing that my floors might never look the same again.